Greek Easter (in Greece)

I’ve started writing this post in a cafe in Milan. I’m currently in transit from the most fabulous country in the world (along par with Australia), that being Greece. I got to Milan not long ago (at the time of writing) and walked around some random streets and found some coffee shop and eating and drinking some Italiano foods and coffee.

Now, Greek Easter. I left my London home on Friday (17/4) morning at 3.30am to get to the airport on time as I was leaving at 6 – reminder never, ever do that shit again!!! I got to Greece at 1.45pm local time and found Dad’s cousin waiting for me. We left straight for the village and the journey including stops took around 4 hours. I think I had total 7 minutes without Thio Dimitri (Dad’s cousin) or his wife talking to me in the car on the way there – yes was fantastic ;-). When we got to the village all the family was waiting for me, we all said hello, I settled in and was ready to pass out by 8. A bit later on we got “ready” for a “bit of mourning” at “church”. Notice the sarcastic inverted commas, I shall explain. I didn’t really go to Greece for Easter with many expectations, thankfully. The Greeks there have managed to turn the most Holy and sacred date on the Christian calendar into a farcical and disorganised weekend of madness. It started off when I was going to put my suit on for church and everybody said not to, just to go in my jeans and Adidas jacket because nobody wears suits on Good Friday – as this is a sad day as Jesus died – so that’s what I did. Get into church and had to put my skills learnt in the Athens Metro from previous expeditions to the motherland and push and shove my way through to kiss the icons and light a candle. Having done that I go to the back of the church so I can listen to the service. At this point all of these old bags feel it appropriate to say hello, introduce themselves explaining how they know of me and talk to me in the middle of the priest’s reading like we were out in middle of the city, fkn yifto village people. While this is occurring all of these little shit head kids are throwing crackers outside the church and I’m wondering if I should find some sort of bomb shelter – and old ladies are wondering why they didn’t wear their old age diapers. It came time to carry the epitaph out of the church and all of these men (my uncles being the main culprits here) were having a mothers meeting in the middle of the church on who’s going to carry it etc – not being at all discreet mind you. They eventually work it out and they give me the honour of carrying a massive cross in front of the epitaph. We walk through the middle of the village and people are talking, laughing and carrying on like we’re in a protest march or something. Kids are throwing crackers and blowing shit up as we go and my calm persona (haha yeahhhh right) starts getting very tested. On the way back I gave the cross to somebody else and young dudes I had met previously start talking about chicks asses etc that are walking behind the epitaph and what they want to do with those chicks. I find that a bit wrong considering the occasion and all – maybe that’s just me? The night was topped off when the two little yifto (gypsy), piece of shit, monkey faced fuck sticks that were throwing the crackers thought it would be a good idea to throw them right in front of the epitaph causing everybody to stop and wait for them to explode. As they were laughing I showed great strength and will power not to pick up the rock on the ground next to me and ditch it at their heads causing their IQ to drop from 86 to retard level – those who know me well could just imagine my anger levels haha. That’s enough of Friday.

On Saturday morning I went with the kids to get communion and it was much of the same shenanigans as the night before, only with sunlight this time. In Greece, wait for something and you will die waiting, unfortunately the same applies when you want to get communion. No lines/cues apply, whoever throws the most elbows and gets to the priest first gets communion first. After that debacle my cousins Panagioti and Maria took me out for a coffee in Zaharo (a beach 15 minutes away from the village) and we killed the day chatting away and cruising around meeting up with people. That night we went back to church and the same again, only this time they had managed to find nuclear war heads and were letting those off outside the church (one managed to find its way at the entrance of the door and literally shook the ceiling). The priest couldn’t be bothered to wait until 12 o’clock to prayer that Jesus had risen so at 11.45 it was apparently close enough so it was then Easter. The church emptied out in about 10 minutes and I stayed behind with Panagioti and Thio Yianni (Dad’s other cousin) until about 12.45. We got back to the house and ate a massive feast with everybody, was great to break the fast! I ate a few kilos of meat ;-).

Woke up on Sunday about 10.45 and the guys were cooking a lamb on the spit and kokoretsi (some offal dish – offal wrapped in intestines on the spit). I tried some of that shit to shut them up and as delicious as it sounds, it’s probably the last time I’ll eat kokoretsi. Anyway later on we ate like there was no tomorrow which was very enjoyable. That night we went down to the basketball court and all the kids that were in the village played soccer, that was great fun until my lungs started bleeding from the inside out and a blister bigger than my foot threatened amputation. After a shower and a whole asthma puffer, Panagioti, Maria, myself and some other village kids went out in the major town close by (Pyrgo) to a club. You literally could not move as the place was packed like sardines. Quite enjoyable though and a few mouns around the place as well ;-).

Monday afternoon I left with Thio Yianni who took me to a small port so I could go over to a small island off of Athens called Salamina to see some of my family from my mum’s side. Got there all good, ate pizza which according to somebody married into the family is the best in the world (that’s of course true when the only pizza you’ve eaten is on your tiny island and your friend who has got no idea about food said the pizza in the country that invented it isn’t as good because it’s thin). Next day mucked around with my cousins and ate a kilo of pasta for lunch. That night my two little cousins Evi and Constandinos (16 and 15 respectively) took me out to a bar to get me drunk :-). Met some people there (a hot waitress who kept checking me out lol) and according to Costandinos when he goes there next he will give her my number and set me up with her for when I go back hahaha. He is also going to get me a job so that I can live there with him and his family for the few months I’m going to live in Greece later on. Cute kid lol. Later on we went and got yiroses and pork kalamakia (pork skewers), mmm was the first Greek takeaway for 3 years!! Next day we mucked around again and went into the centre of town and killed time. That evening Thio Yianni picked me up from their house to take me back to Athens ready for my 6.30am flight the next day. Go back to Thio Dimitri’s house and out for dinner. Yiros again (2 for me again), 5 beers and a chicken kalamaki for good measure, was an awesome meal. Went to bed at 12 and woke up at 4, had a shower and left. Got to the airport and landed in Milan.

The flight was blessed with 3 fkn hot Greek chicks (they’re everywhere in Greece funnily enough lol) which made a 6.30am flight after hardly any sleep for a week a little better. I took the train into the centre of Milan and just started walking. I ended up next to some castle so I went in and had a look around. I saw some black dude with armbands and shit walking up to me and the asshole wouldn’t let me pass. He goes have one, it’s long life bla, bla fkn bla and they’re free. I said no, I don’t want any. He asked where I’m from and thought I really gave a fuck to tell me he was from Senegal. He asked me if I had a boyfriend lol (shows the mentality here to ask about boyfriends first) and then asked if I had girlfriend. Then he started tying some shit ugly rainbow bracelet on me and I told him “no, I don’t want that shit!” After he tied it he asked for a donation, haha I told him I didn’t want it in the first place and to piss off. Anyway I kept walking around to try and find a cafe I liked and ended up at one. When I walked in, some old bloke started talking to me in Italian and it took him 5 minutes to understand I no speak Italiano you malaka. He then started talking to me in “englaise” and reverted back to Italian but this time he was using his mangled hands (a few fingers missing) to explain what he was saying, as if somehow I could understand what his hands were saying. The waitress was laughing at him and told him to shut up, lucky because I was ready to talk to him with my hands and tell him where to go. I sat outside and some “woman” was walking her two sausage dogs next to the cafe when one of them took a piss on the pavement (I swear her face looked so manly and she walked like she had two overgrown balls). She was standing around and then lifted her skirt a little bit to scratch her leg while waiting for the dog to finish pissing. I was waiting for her cock to fall out but thankfully it didn’t and even more thankfully the dog finished and she walked off. I could then have my coffee and a croissant with custard in it which was quite nice in peace and here I am, typing today’s post in a cafe in Milan.

By the use of my language and tone, you could probably guess I’m not in the best of moods hahaha. Waking up at 4am is shit! Anyway I’m going to walk around some more and get lost even further so I can have some lunch somewhere before making my way to the airport and forward to London. Fingers crossed I find the airport lol :-)

UPDATE 2.30pm: Well that was an interesting couple of hours! Went for a walk to the centre of town and saw some big church and other crap around the place. Eventually found somewhere to eat and ordered a pizza, I must say it has to be one of the best pizzas I’ve had which is quite scary because the place looked like every other restaurant around – no big deal. I also had one of the most expensive beers of my life, a stubbie of Millers cost me $16, bloody dogs. After I finished I asked the dumbass waitress how to get to the airport (they have 2 airports here and I came here through one and leaving through the other one) and the dumb bitch gave me the wrong train station name, fkn reject. Got a cab with some cockeyed psycho and was telling him which airport I needed to go to but I got one letter wrong and he couldn’t work out where I wanted. I told him the train station the bitch gave me and said I needed to go to Licante Airport, he got confused and said Carnalo (some shit like that, the train station which goes to the other Airport). I said yes but need to go to Licante, he said no, Malpensa (the other airport) from Carnalo. I said yeah, Carnalo but I need to go to Licante. He got more confused and I was waiting for his cockeye to pop out of his head when he said ci, Malpensa. I said Licante, he nodded and off we go. Fuck me. Get to the train station and he says eyyyy. I look and it says Malpensa and as I looked out the other window I saw a sticker which said Linate Airport. I asked him does this go to Linate as well and he said no. I told him I need to go to Linate and he starts freaking out at me. To which my reply is: “I fkn said Linate, not Malpensa”, taxi driver: “No train to Linate, only Malpensa”, Dimitri: “I told you Linate not Malpensa”, taxi driver: “bla, bla, bla, I’m a fkn retard”, Dimitri: “yeah no shit, take me to Linate”. Eventually get there after he almost ran over 3 people, abused a cop car, nearly hit 2 people on scooters, waved his hands in the air every time he overtook somebody while listening to some Italian opera shit. I’m amazed we made it, I’m certain one eye was telling him to go one way while the other was telling him to go another! The story gets better, they say Milan is the fashion capital of the world, I say you can find more people to laugh at in Milan with their “fashion” anywhere in the world. I saw some old bloke wearing a trench coat with purple elbow patches. He had matching purple socks that were pulled over his pants up to his knees with some really pointy shoes you’d see in a freaky play. He was also wearing a cowboy hat. I was really upset my phone battery died and couldn’t take a photo of the moron because it was really a site to see! On the plane now and glad that the day in that hell hole is over because if one more thing went wrong I’d probably be locked up. I miss Greece already. Actually if the malaka with the beak nose in the seat in front of me keeps slamming his chair into my laptop I might just get arrested :-).

FURTHER UPDATE: It’s now Friday back in London. Last night I was sitting in my room and I hear some dogs barking – with a very familiar bark. Yep, trellness is back!!! Jolyon hadn’t paid her because his bank account had been wiped out by fraudulent individuals and I didn’t pay her because I couldn’t be bothered before I left for Greece lol. So now the moron is here until Jolyon pays her (I paid her today), fkn great!! To make matters worse, apparently her car was towed away yesterday for some reason. Probably because it’s her car and she’s destined to fuck me around for the duration of my stay! I suppose it’s good for the readers because I’m bound to have some more funny stories and videos with her but not good for my stress levels! There’s dog hair (and her hair for that matter) on the sponge to clean the dishes!!! Aarrrrghhhhh

Having spoken to a few people today I need to clear a few things up about trellness. She owns the house but rents it out to people and doesn’t actually live here. She lives on a farm in Somerset about an hour out of London with her dogs and sheep. She comes to London every now and then and stays in the house. She’s actually staying in the fire escape now, not the lounge room thankfully. If there’s problems with the house or new people to collect rent and bond from she comes and stays in the fire escape. She’s built a sink, toilet and bed in it. Mind you it’s about 1.5m wide lol. Definitely no Scottish dancing in there hahaha.

Be good and do something random to change up your life for the day ;-) No need for this weekend or any other to be the same as the last!

Me agape, Dimitri xoxox
(with love)

PS photos and videos to come in a few days. I'm too busy drinking and gamming at the moment hahaha :)

UPDATE 2 (27/4/09) here are the photos and videos as promised



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